Doctor’s Orders for
a Healthy Relationship
Steven S. Carter, Ph.D., a psychologist in private practice, sees many couples and individuals in his Oakland and Mount Lebanon offices. He says there are many important elements to building a happy and lasting relationship. Here are seven: CONFLICT
“You have to be willing to no longer be right. When people are single and have to make a decision, they get to ask themselves if they’re right. And usually they are. People are right about where things go in the kitchen. What color to paint the bedroom. When to go to dinner and where. What movie to see and why. They’re right about the music, the air-conditioning level at home and in the car, and they’re right about how to spend money. But your partner also has a history of thinking he or she is right. Now, suddenly, you have someone who’s different, and not only that, they’re a different gender. And gender matters. Many people aren’t willing to give up being right so easily. The solution? One of you has to volunteer to give that up, to admit that things are different now. Everybody thinks they’re right until they start talking. When the other person starts talking, try to think, ‘I might be wrong; he or she might be right.’” MONEY
“Money has the potential to be the biggest cause of problems in a marriage. Money is an encounter with reality that you cannot overlook—it draws you into reality like a vortex.” LISTENING
“Frequently people listen to their spouse with the intent to talk back, to respond. This isn’t good listening. But if you listen with the intent to learn, you might think, ‘She could be right about this.’ You have to be quiet in your head. Let the words the other person is using sink in for a minute, even if they seem annoying, threatening or complicated. Those are the big three that shut us down and make us listen with the intent to talk back: Annoying, threatening or complicated. Because most people are planning their response instead of truly listening, they get only snippets of what the other person is saying, and usually these are the most emotionally charged snippets that can anger your spouse. ” ADAPTING
“Adaptation is one of the keys to happiness. If your partner sleeps much more than you do, and it annoys you, adapt to it by getting some extra time to do things just for yourself. Listen to what your partner is saying; if it makes sense to him or her, then try every reasonable means to adapt to it.” HAPPINESS
“Your main goal in your relationship should be to make the other person happy because that will bring happiness back to you. Kindness brings kindness back. It’s really hard to dislike somebody who’s being nice to you. Kindness and consideration reduce friction and create an environment of mutual love.” SEX
“Sex is extremely important. It creates closeness and the basis for love and forgiveness. If you’re having loving, intimate sex with your spouse, then it is so easy to forgive and overlook his or her flaws. I’ve never seen an exception to that. Everybody knows that talking is the gateway to great sex. So you have to keep talking about your sex life. Even if you just say, ‘I really love sleeping with you.’ Articulating the feelings makes the person feel wanted and loved. And it breaks down barriers to sex, such as poor self-esteem, anger and resentment.” ROMANCE
“Romance can take a conscious effort. Think about being in love. Remember romance and think about how to maintain it. It’s not that difficult. How hard is it to sit down next to the person you’re with and say, ‘I love to be with you. I’m so glad you’re my wife or husband.’ It’s not any harder than saying, “Could you please turn off that dumb basketball game?’”—J.W. |
Be Committed
Much of your reaction to life after your vows depends on your expectations before walking down the aisle. Mainly, these couples say, you have to commit to staying committed. Elisabeth Wiest was married to Walter on Sept. 3, 1943. Today they celebrate their 60-plus years of marriage at home in Friendship Village of South Hills in Upper St. Clair. “While you hope that most of your married life will be happy, there are going to be some problems,” says Elisabeth. “You might as well understand that right from the beginning.” Walter agrees. “Adjusting to each other is going to take some work and stick-to-it-iveness,” he says. “You’ll come to prize and value each other, while at the same time recognizing that each of you is not always going to be sweetness and light. It’s human nature.” Foil and Naomi Miller were married just a few months before the attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941. From their home at Covenant at South Hills in Mount Lebanon they reflect on the importance of commitment. Foil advises, “Start with the idea that it’s going to work, that you’ll make it work no matter what.” Rick Fredin and Fred Noel have been committed to each other for more than 12 years. They each say that respecting each other’s differences is as important to the success of their relationship as enjoying the similarities. “Fred allows me to be who I am,” Rick says. “He doesn’t dwell on the small details, and we both don’t dwell on our differences. This allows small, unimportant problems to just slide by, as they should, instead of unnecessarily growing into bigger ones.” “One of the reasons we’re successful,” Fred says, “is that we don’t expect the other to fit into any particular mold. You can love someone very deeply and respect them entirely even though they are different from you.” Keep Laughing
A sense of commitment is important to any long-term endeavor, and so is a sense of humor. Many couples report that laughter is essential to happiness and longevity. Ron and Margie Everett of Latrobe married in July 1958 and say a lighthearted approach to love and living together smoothes the road. Daughter Colleen agrees. “My dad told me that his theory of a happy marriage is, ‘I put my hearing aids on the dresser and tell your mom to go talk to them.’” Interviewing Victor and Greta Katz of Wilkins Township was an exercise in reading between the laugh lines. The couple, married 55 years ago, made each other laugh so hard during their interview that they sometimes had trouble getting out a sentence. “The only reason we never got a divorce is that we couldn’t afford the attorney,” Victor says. When asked the secret to a happy marriage, he replies, “Mutual disrespect.
Lots of screaming, lots of noise.” Greta laughs and agrees about the arguing. “You have to argue, or it’s not a healthy marriage. Don’t hold it in. If something’s bothering you, let it out.” |
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“My combat air crew seasoned me for marriage,” says Victor, who was a gunner on a B-26 in World War II. “That, and getting my black belt in karate when I was 61.” Adds Greta, “Nobody thought our marriage would last two days. When we were first married, we invited friends for dinner. I spilled scalding hot soup on him. It was red tomato soup, and Victor threw it against the wall. Greta says their friends still talk about it. But through the jokes, their love shines, and their commitment is clear. “The longer you stick it out, the more you fall in love,” Victor says. “That’s true,” Greta says, “You’ll hate, you’ll love, you’ll hate again. And after you’re married a certain amount of time, you’ll realize you’ve become one.” Victor warns that when times are rough, don’t look elsewhere. “You can’t throw in the towel because the next one could be a rag.” It’s Right to Fight
Conflict is part of any marriage or long-term relationship. “It’s the same as maintaining a relationship in friendship or business,” says Ginny Newcomer, who lives at Sherwood Oaks in Cranberry with her husband of 64 years, Martin “Newk” Newcomer. “It’s the idea of give- and-take. You have to give up some points, not battle everything out. Newk agrees. “It doesn’t hurt a marriage to have some tough times because then you learn what each of you can do to work yourselves through it.” Rollie Thomas married Kay in 1959. From his home at Longwood in Oakmont he says, “Don’t be afraid to lose. You don’t always have to win. Sometimes you can win by losing. And be fair.” That’s a caveat strongly echoed by Ross Township residents Mary Ann Miller and Terry Mohr, who have been married more than 10 years. “Don’t push your spouse’s buttons intentionally,” Mary Ann says. “You both know what each other’s inadequacies are and what will set each other off.” Says Terry, “If you take advantage of that ‘inside information’ and use it, it can be hurtful and harmful to a relationship.” “Don’t say something you’ll regret,” says James DaBaldo of Elizabeth, who’s been married to Lisa for 15 years. “Step away. Cool down. Then come back and make each of you understand what the other is saying.” Move It
All of the couples we spoke to agree that an active marriage is a happy
marriage. The Katzes stay active with lots of road trips, and the Newcomers are always eager to find things worth celebrating with friends. “We recently
discovered that it was the 70th anniversary of the repealing of Prohibition,” Ginny Newcomer says. “Well, that was worth celebrating. And we had no trouble finding people to celebrate with.” “Keep active—don’t afford yourself idle time to fret,” says Bill Trefz of McCandless, who married Helen 56 years ago while serving the nation’s post-
war effort in Germany. It’s also important to maintain a balance between doing things together and taking time for yourself. “Both of us have always had independent things to do and independent friends, and we’ve found that to be good,” says Joan Dudreck, who lives in O’Hara Township with Al, her husband of 51 years. The two recently celebrated their anniversary in Madrid as part of Al’s work with a global network of ad agencies. “It’s important to show you care about your spouse’s
interests, even if they’re not something you have a natural interest in,” Al says. ”I think the important thing here is that when you love somebody, their day is interesting,” says Newk Newcomer. “It may not be your day, but it’s interesting because of who the person is and because it was interesting to them.” “You hear about ‘two becoming one,’ and that’s true in a number of respects,” says Walter Wiest, “but it’s also true that each has to be able to preserve some
individuality and freedom, including individual friends.”
Keep Kissing
The great comedian Henny Youngman once said, “Some people ask the secret to our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” Funny. But romantic times (together, not separately) are important to each of the happy couples we spoke to. “Don’t feel that when you get married that you’re not dating each other anymore,” says Kay Thomas. “Go out together, to dinners, movies and plays.” Romance has as much to do with everyday treatment as it does with intimacy. “Romance is extremely important, and it’s easy to lose sight of it because the novelty wears off,” says Barb Sherwood of North Huntingdon, who has been married to David since 1990. “My most important thing every day is to make sure my husband’s needs are met. And if he looks at it the same way, wanting all my needs to be met, then how could we fail?” Keep the affection going. “If I’m leaving the house, I kiss Ginny goodbye. When I come back in, I kiss her again. I enjoy that,” says Newk Newcomer. Does Ginny? “Oh, yes! I feel cherished.” After 64 years—that’s thousands of kisses.
Jonathan Wander is quite happily married to “the woman of his dreams,” Rachel.
They live in Monroeville, on the same block as his in-laws. <Previous page
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